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Well You're an Idiot Then
Entry 1372, on 2012-03-25 at 16:39:19 (Rating 4, Religion)
Occasionally I go back through my old email messages and archive them into mailboxes based on their subject. It's a bit of a waste of time really because they come in a lot faster than I can process them, so my incoming messages mailbox, which I wanted to keep to about 20 messages this year, now has over 13,000 messages in it.
But the good thing is I sometimes find one of my classic emails, usually in reply to some nutter's opinion on religion, politics, global warming, etc. The one I have included below is a classic. The person who sent it to me is a total right-wing nutter but has never shown any signs of being particularly religious, still he felt the need to send me this tripe. My comments are in square brackets, [like this].
Anyway, here's the story (which seems to be some sort of religious propaganda aimed at children) he sent me with my added comments...
"One of God's main jobs is making people.
[Well it's a pity he's made so many of them because now a lot of them die of hunger because of overpopulation.]
He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.
[Yeah they've done a great job of that! Maybe he should re-think that strategy.]
He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make.
[Well even God has his limits, I guess!]
That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
[Good plan, abandon his responsibilities.]
God's second most important job is listening to prayers.
[Doesn't do much about them, does he?]
An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.
[He must have switched everything off - I can't remember the last time he actually answered a prayer.]
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy.
[Yeah, I saw him at McDonalds just yesterday!]
So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
[Some people are out getting things done, others are sitting around in church like a bunch of morons.]
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God.
[Except no one saw him do it, or bothered to write about it. You don't suppose it was all just made up, do you?]
They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him
[Good thing too. He was so annoying!]
But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
[Interesting logic. Didn't God send him to be killed for our benefit? And this is supposed to make sense?]
His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven.
[Actually he said he'd be back in just a few years, but now it's 2000 years later and there's still no sign of him.]
So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.
[Yeah, he does a great job of that too!]
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
[Yeah lots of people in Haiti prayed to him. They all died horribly anyway. Nice guy, this God.]
You should always go to church on Sabbath because it makes God happy,
[And it also makes your church rich.]
and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!
[Yeah because if you don't do what you're told he might smite you.]
Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
[Really. That's a new bit of meteorology I hadn't heard of before.]
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can.
[Doesn't seem to have been much of a problem for any the atheists I know.]
It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.
[Yeah, he's always helping, just like with those people in Haiti.]
But... you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.
[But he'll torture you a bit first, like with earthquakes, tsunamis, cancer, and lot's of other nice stuff. Nice guy that God chap.]
And... that's why I believe in God.
[Well you're an idiot then.]
If you believe in God, please pass this on, and may God bless you too. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you!
[And if you don't believe in a god, send this back to the moron who sent it to you.]"
This email must have been sent just after the Haiti earthquake because I reference it a couple of times there. Also, I should disclose that I fixed a couple of typos and made a couple of the points a bit clearer so it's not 100% the same as the actual email. And I'm not sure what the original sender thought of my reply because he never emailed me back on the subject. Odd that!
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