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Humour

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Humour

This page has a few of my favourite jokes, humorous stories, and anecdotes. I'm often told I have a weird sense of humour so who knows what you'll think of these, but here they are anyway.

Favourite Jokes

What does a agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac spend his time doing?
Lying awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Favourite Light Bulb Jokes

How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Weird Laws

These laws are supposed to be genuine - they are crazy enough to be, I think. I guess they were introduced to solve a particular problem, then just forgotten about when the problem no longer existed.

In Pennsylvania, any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.

In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.

In Indiana, monkey's are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.

In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."

Most Amazing Mistakes

I guess its easy to be critical with the benefit of hindsight, but these are really big failures of imagination by people who should have known better. What was Wilbur doing building an aircraft if he didn't think it would fly?

Not within a thousand years will man ever fly! (Wilbur Wright, 1901)

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. (Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949)

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943)

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. (The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957)

But what is it good for? (Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip)

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977)

This "telephone" has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. (Western Union internal memo, 1876.)

Favourite Weird Band Names

I've verified most of these bands really exist (or did exist) but there are one or two I haven't found references for yet.

The Atomic Chainsaw Sex Vikings
Hugh Reed and the Velvet Underpants
Suicidal Supermarket Trolleys
An Emotional Fish
Nuns on Napalm
The Headless Chickens
Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine
The Exploding Budgies

I received this from an ex-member of the "The Atomic Chainsaw Sex Vikings From Beyond Guildford" (the band's full name): I can confirm that we did exist (briefly) in the early 90s and had a great time with such songs as: Surf Peckham, Metal Detector and 666 Wheetabix. However, the full glory of our ridiculous name was in fact The Atomic Chainsaw Sex Vikings From Beyond Guildford. Please don't ask me why, as I have never known. - Emma.

And I received this from an ex-member of the "Suicidal Supermarket Trolleys": Yup, we existed for a number of years. I played guitar and formed them! - Take care, Christian.

Discussion

Comment by Jon Dow on 2006-12-02 at 08:13:46: FWIW, I've got a demo tape of Nuns (Nunz?) On Napalm after talking to a couple of the guys in the band as we were waiting to go into a gig at the Marquee (London) about 10(?) yrs ago (Yngwie Malmsteen or summat like that). Quite an enjoyable collection of tunes, kinda tongue in (someone's) cheek iirc... Fellatio Blues, class song :) Think they were from somewhere like Portsmouth or Southampton.

Comment by OJB on 2006-12-02 at 22:36:04: Thanks for sharing that. Its amazing how much email I have received regarding the band names on this page. I must admit I know very little about the bands themselves - I was just amused by the names - so its nice to receive extra information like this.

Comment by WALDERNOVA on 2008-05-04 at 00:59:23: Funny to read about Nunz on Napalm after all these years. Mark Lacey (Drums) got gout but has a very respectable job with the Guardian in London... and a lovely wife! Spencer Parker (Bass) has now lost his hair but also married before it fell out completely. He has a lovely, lovely wife. Gully (real name, Paul John Jones) (singer) is now a big biker and thats that! He did marry and thats that. Stefan Olesinski (guitars) never married and he didn't have AIDS!! He now has a very respecable job wit...

Comment by Ellen on 2009-03-23 at 11:19:27: Great to hear about Nunz on Napalm after all these years! Used to go to lots of thier gigs when I was about 15. I feel all nostalgic for under-age drinking in the Air Balloon (pub in Portsmouth) now!

Comment by Beth on 2010-09-02 at 08:39:18: I remember Nunz on Napalm! Brilliant group of lads, my ex's group played with them a few times - always had a great night - Gully was a legend!! Always said he'd adopt me....

Comment by crisbian_floyde@hotmail.com on 2010-11-09 at 03:31:42: Nunz on napalm certinly did exist! They were from Portsmouth and the lead guitarist was a guy called Mike Walder, but most people either called him Walnut or Waldernova. A very funny man who I house shared with for a number of years!

Comment by OJB on 2010-11-15 at 15:38:58: Wow, of all the pages of "random stuff" on my web site this has created the most comments! But does no one want to comment on any of the other bands?

Comment by Mark Lacey on 2013-11-28 at 12:01:46: I was lucky enough to play drums in Nunz on Napalm throughout my university days. Will never forget the time we played in Bordon and we left our guitar player Stefan behind after the show. Half the band in the front of the transit. Half the band in the back. Both thought he was in the other half of the van. Think we'd travelled 30 miles before we realised!

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